Day 25 (of being home)
Boston, Ma. USA
I know this post is more than a bit past due and I am sorry to all of you who I promised to keep updated.
Last night I ran into an old girlfriend of my brother-in-law's at the grocery store and accidentally ended up unloading on her for over 30 minutes. Almost crying right there in the grocery store in front of our carts. This is when I knew I have been keeping too much inside since we got back. I had to make time for the blog......or God knows I would torture some other poor soul who is probably now very happy she did not marry into this family!
After our whirlwind 4 days at Disney World we flew to New York and spent four days celebrating our friend Darci's 40th birthday. It was a fun way to see friends and get reaquainted with "The Northern World".
My car had been parked at their house in NY all this time, so on Sunday night we drove back to Boston.
We dropped our stuff in our vacant one bed condo in the city and went to bed on the mattress on the floor. Despite having a bed upstairs, the three of us crowded into the double mattress in the basement. I guess we were just use to being close.
At 8am the next morning, Bryce went back to school, I went back to work, and Rich set about making the condo livable for our "temporary" situation.
To say the next month was overwhelming might be the understatement of my lifetime.
Walking into work, I felt like I had gone out for a cup of coffee.
"Betsy, there are two open houses you need to do on Sunday."
"Betsy, I have questions about my Purchase and Sale."
"Betsy, my deal is falling through....do you know anyone who wants to sell a raw loft??"
I have to wonder what on earth they all did for the five months I was gone!
Right back to the grind with appointments my very first day.
I have worked everyday since then with my only day off being Easter.
Yes, I understand it is a double edge sword. If I arrived back to sit at my desk and twiddle my thumbs I would have been very angry. I would have worried about money and wondered; if I had nothing to do here WHY had I come back.
But, on the other side. I feel as if all the joy and wonder of our trip slipped into a memory too quickly. Its funny....we never even talk about the trip. Its as if the limited time available to us to have the necessary conversations of life is all we can handel.
I still wake up mornings feeling like I just had a dream.
But, it was not a dream. It was very real. And now we are feeling the very real consequences of our actions.
After the intial "Of my God, its great to see you! Welcome Back!" all our friends returned to life as usual.....except sometimes it feels like in 5 months they learned to live that life without us and now it will take time to remind them we are here.
Rich has to job hunt and it is hard to get him motivated. I know what a daunting process it is, so I try to understand. But, until he has a job, we have to stay here in the one bedroom.
At first that wasn't bad. After 153 days of hotels, the 1000 square foot condo actually felt quite spacious.
Our first day back Bryce said to me "Mommy, this is a great hotel! We have our own refridgerator and everything." Even Rich said "I knid of like living in the city again." And I have to admit, the comute is pretty sweet.
But, now one month later, the space is closing in on us. The dog is back from Arizona and living in a condo with a dog is an impossible situation. I simply can not believe that people do this voluntarily! He barks at every noise in the hallway, we have no yard to let him out in, and the weather has been unrelenting rain. This morning the whole family was up at six am trying to shush him because the neighbor upstairs already hates us enough.
The privacy issue is also starting to wear on us. In an open space there is no way to put Bryce to bed while we stay up. No way to have a private conversation. No possiblity of romance.
These things never bothered me on the trip. I suppose the good so far outweighed the bad; the bad melted into the background. But back in the real world. These issues are frustrating.
OK....so I am complaining a lot. Thats because I can not lie....its very hard readjusting.
We did anticipate this. We discussed it at length.
But, I suppose knowing an emotion will come and actually feeling that emotion are two very different entities.
To try to make everything more livable, Bryce and Rich are spending quite a bit of time away. At the Cape House, at friends, in Conneticut.
But, in reality instead of making things easier it makes them harder. I am left behind to deal with real life on my own. I feel excluded from the family. I feel lonely. I won't be afraid to admit, more than once I have gone to sleep on the basement mattress crying. Wishing we could be back on our adventure or wishing life had never changed in the first place.
We put Bryce back in school in Reading, where we use to live, in order to help him have less adjustment. He seems pleased about that, but it means I drive past our old house to take him to school.
The first day I slowed in front of the house and said "There is our old house honey."
"Hmm"..he said. "It looks different. Mommy you better get moving or I'll be late for school."
God, I wish I had his sense of moving on. Staring at the house my heart was heavy.
'Its so beautiful' I thought. 'And now someone else owns it. They live there.' Irrationally, I felt as though someone else was living the life that was suppose to be mine.
But, I remind myself that the trip is not what changed that life. The trip was a savior response to a life that was already changing. The house is beautiful. But, that life was no longer making us happy the way it once did.
Alas.....its not as bad as it seems. When I feel disappointed, overwhelmed, and sad......I remind myself:
I have climbed the ancient ruins of Peru. Looked into the volcanos of Bolivia. Crossed the desert of Chile and sipped wine in the mountains of Argentina. I have steamed on a ship through the icebergs, been bitten by a penguin. I watched my son ride a llama and danced at the clubs in Buenos Aires with my husband. I have cheered at Macarana stadium and rode a horse on the island of Morro. I have spent countless hours soaking up the sun in Brazil.
On the trip I read 37 books. I met scores of interesting people, learned a new language and saw things most will never see.
Adjusting is hard. But, I am lucky. I am lucky because I took a chance to do something special. And it was incredible. I am lucky because no matter how hard this is.......that was worth it.
I lived 153 days of bliss. And I lived it with the men I love.